I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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