She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
