I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize