i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
