he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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