I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
