college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
