I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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