My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
