I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
