What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
