Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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