I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
