He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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