VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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