Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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