im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
