Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
