GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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