Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
