Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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