If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
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