Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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