So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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