wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize