Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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