1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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