it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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