I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
