life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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