but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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