i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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