my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
