that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
