R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
