I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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