between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
