I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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