We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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