woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
