oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
