I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
