I accidentally burped into my bong.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i love accidental penises.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
