Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
