i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
