yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
