Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
