she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
