so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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