what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
