It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
