Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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