I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
