me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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