its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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