At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
