im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
